#snd its so fucking draining

[lesbiantrish]

.

[du-hjarta-skulblaka]

I also have a cold. Which I am mildly concerned is creeping into a chest infection. Sp I'm doing great,

[kiwiwisdeathday]

auaghrjennnnmnehhuuuuuuu

[cherrywade]

Okay tmi beyond the cut dont read if you dont like hearing about blood and or periods in general

Okay so like.... i have the worst cramps in the world, and i always know what the means. I go the bathroom. Sit down. And i can FEEL. CLOTS OF BLOOD DRIPPING OUT OF ME. there is no worse feeling. Im in pain. Im shedding my insides like a fucking... reverse blood covered snake. Its just... idk. The oain has gotten better since i had a huge cist drained that was pressing all up in my business. But i still get bad ones. And then i get just... massive flows of blood. Like, it's just keeps getting worse as i get older and i just want them to take this fucking uterus out of meeewwe. But im not married snd haven't had kids and when i was in the hospital for the cist thing the lady said my uterus was very pretty (???????) So there's nothing wrong with it so they wont take it Im betting and i just want it gone!!!! Im tired of being slimey and bloody and i have issues with tampons. They freak me out i just wanna

*SHRIEKS*

[tommy-thomas]

Heads up

Its been a long time hasnt it? I cant be sure of how much but.. that doesnt matter

I have been pretty busy these Last weeks, work been a constant challenge + College and new relatioships. I took time to really think, and see what i wanted and how i felt about... everything

The tumblr, the people, about my family and so on. Much still under a lot of thinking, but for now i can say some things for sure.

> i will come back to tumblr, slowly. Post simple things, some drawings i made (recently been a bit into animation too). I really like the people i met here, and i love seeing their post and reacting, even if just simple things, it always makes my day

> i will stop LLTK. I wont post the pages anymore. I am not having fun drawing it anymore. It startes to take HUGES part of my free time, and its so me tally draining and frustrating. Undertale is fun, and i started to draw it because i was bored, and thoutght it would be fun, but it isnt anymore. I could write snd post the rest of the history (the ark was almost ending anyway, and there was going to be 2 more chapthers), but i wont draw the pages anymore.

> my post will be mainly my thoughts and maybe arts i do to the side. College has been fucking my schedule, and i cant really do much lol. But tumblr is fun

___________________________________________

I get if most of you unfollow me now, but i am putting my mental health first a bit, specially now that my current schedule is do draining.

I hope you all can understand, i love you all a lot

Thank you for everything until now, youre all amazing ❤

[pinkadork]

Im fine

Its not like ive been setting myself up what feels like forever to both really and also i guess not at all always be in the cycle im in. The predestined fuck up ig my moms a fuck up

Im a fuck up

I cant stay a job apparently

I’m too scared of every if and but when it comes to trying it to be creative and do things like i used too, nowadays i feel like its tainted because im not even finna be doing it because i like it anymore, but instead just proving i didn’t give up, when i did

I was tired, emotionally drained, put in a position i nor anyone really asked for but guess whose grandparents this belonged to

Im not a fucking mistake or a right person wrong time

I am a nigga thats has been struggling and it was before you sure but everyone in the fuck ass house kept trauma bonding new and old covid didnt fucking help.

How the fuck are we fucking but aint no protection or immediate showers available

How am i toxic for not wanting what felt like more like a: fuck my poor ass boy friends and dementia ridden grandparents( and while its not anyones job to guide me if we in a relationship and you feel some way say some shit some how ) the weirdest ( but unfortunately not worst) living situation ive been in, the deepest most confusing, loving yet infuriating, real yet faux ass relationship ive had with anyone.

Like even now I physically am sick to my stomach about the idea or notion of again my ex, someone who has dumped me like at least twice since July and lowkey high key didnt even count it it was like a secret trial i failed because ofc im not sure of you actually love me mr. I tell the world you beat me but sure we can play minecraft

Fucking the part the gets me the most about this is i know you know how i feel and its just

I feel set up

Like genuinely not just the relationship shit

And im not gonna act like i dont play my role in shit and attribute a lot to the shit that get me and others where we are but jfc im tired

I’m not the brightest bulb but im not a fucking dumbass

And i did more than read the room, i saw the patterns, felt the vibe shifts, and tried so fucking hard.

Its sad whatever im pathetic but i think i knew without saying it (and even saying this it doesnt mean all the people out with then bc some are still here and we cool but fucking) My ex was the realest mf i had in my circle, and which is probably why its hard being like man aint no fucking way we went out like that. Im not for the see you in a few years shit, im not for the go fuck around like i aint give my heart, i was (am) a dumb nigga that went to to college before dropping out after missing all my classes so i could be attached virtually at the hip to them

Its not their fault and for years i didnt feel that at all.

But the second i saw that they felt like they wasted so much on me and this that whatever man my blood got to boiling on some seafood type shi

Its like

You can do evil

They can do evil

And be vindicated and justified in ya own right because in ya head this is just karma and you standing up for ya self and

Then its like i do evil snd immediately fold because i aint mean shi

Nigga got slammed by me 2 or three times

And everytime it was some bs

I let you convince i was being an ass for feeling threatened because " weight and height and muscle” but fucking niggas never care about perspectives

Yeah we are arguing

Yeah im loud, which is infuriating because my usual everyday speaking voice whether it because i subconsciously (now very actively) am aware of how loud i can be, is actually very quiet and i tend to have to repeat myself and even did to my ex because yeah

Fuck im so high man

Its been awhile since i ran out of actual medicine

Like i feel like ive said its been like two weeks for like a month now.

Now i gotta go through new everything, finding insurance, therapy, reassessments, medication changes, so much has happened and yet nothing has, i got fired today, i think, i mean i definitely got the text “Your assignment is finished do not return anymore” but this is the first temp agency really that ive been at , its just like

Like that?

Its kinda how sudden i end up either in or out of someones life, ex, family, friends

Sometimes i feel like ive been so many different me’s and am constantly “coming of age” (metaphorically speaking or in case thats ominous still, like i feel like i do in fact get older but do to circumstance, bad choices, and a lot of fuckening, i very much am learning alot of basic shit i shouldve known, or yes i am just now learning how to not be like donny on the wildthornberrys

I truly was happy and want to die everytime i think about how unhappy i made them

Make them

The wont miss me when i die because im alive and they surely dont is the thing i come back to whether wrong or not it is

Sometimes i cry about things i dont know are true bit definitely feel on my gut or for those in the loop my LN

You can keep my heart in dont want it anymore

I know realistically im bugging and i just feel bad and i need meds and yadayada yada

Im gonna be blunt with ya chief, im blowing my fucking brains out gn

[faggotmox]

× read tags at your own risk they ain't nothing but vents

[technowoah]

Chuckle Week

Its Chuckle Week and you flew out to LA to see your friends again

- Ted, Charlie, & Schlatt x platonic! reader

-gender neutral reader!

- not requested

an// I just wanted to make a Chuckle Sandwich imagine in honor of Chuckle Week!

⚠︎: a lot of dialogue, mentions of the lunch club, idk about this one yall- I mean its okay but im really picky w my work

My Navigation!

"There they are!"

You had gotton off the airplane snd tiredly went to baggage claim and now you sre rolling your bags over to your three taller friends who called you. You had a big smile on your face even though, in contrast, your eyes were bloodshot and wanted to shut close.

Finally you made it over to the three friends who waited impatiently for your arrival. You stopped rolling your bags and went to Ted who's arms were out awaiting a long overdue hug from you.

"It's been too long." Ted said while squeezing you.

"We'll its not my fault you moved out to LA." You teased.

"Not you too."

You laughed as you gave Charlie a huge hug as well.

"Yeah its all your fault Ted." Charlie said while letting go of your hug.

"No its not-"

"You made y/n come all the way out to LA just to see us. Smh my head." You heard Schlatt say while leaning on your rollerbags.

Ted laughed in annoyance. "Okay can we stop slandering me and get the fuck out of here. Im tired."

"I am too. Ive been on a plane for hours, next to a creep." You sighed

You all made light conversations about life and the trip here while walking between Ted and Charlie while Schlatt rolled your bags even though earlier you tried to get him to give you your things back.

This week they decided to fly you out to Los Angeles for Chuckle Week. You were supposed to be on their podcast later on today. You were a youtuber like the other three that walked beside you. You had met Ted through a friend who said he was in college for film and you were interested in the same degree.

You two had gotton along well and he had opened a bunch more opportunities for you in college. Soon after you learned he was a youtuber and in a group called the Lunch Club. When Ted invited you to meet the whole group you had only gotton along with two other members which happened to be Schlatt and Charlie.

That was basically how you all met and you four stayed close ever since then. You enjoyed hanging out with them, but when you all moved you all stopped hanging out in real life and replaced it with facetime calls.

This was the first time in the past year that you all have met up with one another.

"So where do you wanna go?" Schlatt asked from thr front seat. Ted was in the driver's seat, and Charlie was in the back with you.

"My hotel." You said bluntly.

"Why? You just got here!" Schlatt complained

"Cause I have luggage and I dont wanna keep it in the back of Ted's car." You said back to the man.

The plane ride wasn't exactly the most pleasant plane ride. You've traveled better, and it drained you out. At least you werent driving all the way to LA.

"Fine."

"I agree, but lets go sight seeing first!" Charlie tried to convince the group to follow his idea.

"I dont know." Ted thought about the situation.

"I mean if we go to Y/N's hotel they're probably gonna leave us in the lobby while they sleep." Schlatt said looking back at you.

"True."

"Okay but, Y/N's clothes can get melted in the back of Ted's car in the Los Angeles heat it'll be fine! Lets do something." Charlie jokingly complained while Ted continued to drive through the busy streets.

Ted sighed while shaking his head. "Fine Charlie what do you wanna do?"

"I dont fucking know."

Ted rolled his eyes while Schlatt groaned. You and Charlie were laughing in the backseat at the two men complaining in the front seat. You missed them, so Charlie's idea of doing something was a great idea.

"There's beaches here right?" You asked.

"Yeah."

"No shit."

"Let's go there! Ted pick a beach!" You exclaimed.

"Okay there are only like, three beaches I know and they are all gonna be full." Ted said while switching lanes. "Pick a number one, two, or three."

Ted gave us numbers keeping it secretive even though he said all of the beaches would be full, so there would be no difference.

"One!" You exclaimed.

"Three." Schlatt shrugged. "Three is a good number."

"You're doing that on purpose." Ted laughed.

"Doing what?" Schlatt laughed.

"Picking a different number! Now its all on Mr. Slimecicle back there." Ted pointed back at Charlie.

Charlie was in a thinking pose before taking forever and finally saying his number. "Oh! Um, two!"

"Ah c'mon!"

"Dammit Charlie!"

"Hey you said pick a number! And I like-"

"Im picking two! Im driving we're going to beach two~!" Ted yelled over the three.

"You should've done that in the first place Ted."

"I know."

"Welcome to Santa Monica pier!" Ted said while walking slightly a head of the other three.

"This is it?" You asked.

"Yeah? You're not impressed?" Ted asked back slightly surpised.

"Thought it would be more LA." You joked.

You've never been to LA before. There was one time Ted invited you to join the Lunch Club on their trip to LA, but you denied because you didn't want to intrude, and also you didnt get along with the other guys. Santa Monica pier was really pretty, it was a small amusement park type deal. It was cute.

"What gets more LA then this!?" Schlatt waved his arms gesturing to all the people around him.

"There's a ferris wheel. You wanna go on that?" Charlie asked stopping in the middle of the pier.

"Lets just go to the beach part. I dont want to be stuck with yall on a small box." You chuckled while taking a good look at the places around the area.

"Hey! Thats a privilege! You know how many people who would wanna be stuck in a small box with one of us?" Ted joked back to you.

"No one." Schlatt laughed. "What kind of messages do you get Ted?"

"You dont want to know man!" Charlie answered.

"Okay since we're so unorganized-"

Ted interrupted you. "We know what we're doing here! Okay, lets get some funnel cake or whatever and go to the beach."

"Yeah and we can watch Schlatt die of heat." Charlie added while bumping your shoulder and walking along with Ted towards a restaurant.

You turned around to see schlatt in his regular attire which consists of a huge hoodie and shorts which the whole outfit seemed hot. You laughed because apparently nothing has changed.

"You know I havent seen your arms Schlatt. It hot out here." You poked him.

"Yeah I know and you're never gonna."

"I hate sand. Its coarse, rough and irritating-"

"Dont even start!" You laughed at Ted while he sat beside you in the sand.

He was right, the beach was full probably because its the weekend. You were sitting next to Ted eating your funnel cake they bought for you. Schlatt and Charlie were off somewhere near the water, the last thing you heard and saw was something about water and recording.

"I cant believe this is the first thing I eat after a long ass plane ride." You sighed while using the fork they gave you to stab at the cake.

"At least its something and you're not starving. I mean they gave you a lot!" He pointed out.

"Exactly Im not gonna eat all of it." You began to hand it to him.

"I dont want that shit. I already ate all of mine. Eat all of it."

"No I'll just give it to the other two if I dont eat all of it." You sighed.

"Speaking of, where are the other boys?"

"Who knows. Who cares." You joked.

"Hopefully they didn't drown." Ted said while leaning back onto his hands.

"Yeah that would be tragic." You laughed pretending to not care for your two friends.

"Remember when you said you didn't want to come with us to LA the first time?" Ted asked you.

"Not really. Why?"

"Why the sudden change of heart?"

You thought about how to phrase your answer then answered Ted's question. "I didn't like the others. It would've been weird if all of your attention was on me or all of your attention was not on me and I became a third wheel just because I wanted to go to LA."

You paused before continuing with your statement. "The only people I liked were you and Charlie cause he was so inviting and wanted to be my friend, he reached out first after the meet. I thought Schlatt hated me at the time, but it turns out he dosent. Or he did and turned around to liking me. I just never got to the other boys" You laughed at the past memories.

Ted hummed and nodded your head at your answer. "I mean you could've gave them a chance."

"Ive watched their stuff before! Some of them are nice." You said playing with your fingers now unsure of what you said.

"I mean you missed the highlight of my life! When I got extremely high and thought I was gonna die." Ted laughed and you did too remembering when the three men joined you on facetime to tell you the story that night.

You looked out by the water and see Charlie and Schlatt trudging through the sand towards the both of you.

"Oh shit there they are." You laughed.

"Damn I wanted the podcast to myself." Ted laughed as well.

"Just generate AI versions of Schaltt and Charlie. You'll be fine."

"That was the plan all along!" Ted joked and you laughed as you sat up to greet the other two men.

Schlatt flopped doen into the sand infront of you while groaning.

"Where did you come from?"

"The water."

"We wanted to go in the water, but decided not to because we would be wet all the way back." Charlie explained in more detail

"Im glad you decided not to cause I dont want your wetness in my car." Ted said back.

"Ew."

"Ted, we're gonna get sand in your car." Schlatt said while laying back in the sand and immediately getting back uo because of the sun.

"Brush it all off." Ted bluntly said back to the man.

"Guys I love the bickering, but what time is it?" Charlie asked shielding his eyes from the sun.

"You have a phone Charlie." You laughed.

"And you do too! So check!" He pointed.

You smiled and brought out your phone seeing it was 3:30 pm. Your eyes widened as you realized that the time to check in your hotel was around 3:00 and 4:00.

"It's 3:30 and I need to get checked in to my hotel." You said while getting up and brushing the sand off of your body.

"Holy shit we're supposed to record at 4:00." Ted said while getting up and the other two following suit.

"Time flies huh." Schlatt says while following behind all of you guys.

"Schlatt hurry up we got a podcast to run!" Charlie exclaimed beside you.

"And my clothes are going to melt in Ted's car lets go!"

"Thank goodness we're here!" You leaned against the receptionist counter while the woman behind it was typing on the computer infront of her.

"And your clothes didnt melt which was a miracle in of it's own." Charlie said while leaning one of your roller bags.

You had gotton the cards to your room and the number and floor it was on. You thanked the woman before getting out the way for the person behind you to get checked in.

"We'll wait for you down here-"

"Just throw your bags in the room and come back down. Take the stairs." Schlatt interrupted Ted who

"How long are you staying?" Charlie asked while giving you one of your bags.

"A week! Starting from today!" You exclaimed loud, but not loud enough to disturb anybody else in the lobby.

"Really?"

"That's great!"

"You picked the wrong people to spend a week with." Schlatt laughed.

"I think I made the right choice."

-----------------------

[bwoahtastic]

I'm sorry i got carried away

MORE ANGST FOR THE ADOPTION AU!!

TW for character's thoughts of d*ath and self depricating thoughts

When Max is over at GP's and then Charles just manages to tell Lewis through tears that no one knows where Max is and Lewis gets a full blown panic attack and he's alone so he just feels like his entire world is crumbling

Lewis has to hang up the phone so that he doesn't worry Charles or Seb and he just spirals so hard and then he can barely think straight so he grabs his car keys and whatever blankets he has with Max's scent on it

He drives first to the paddock because he thinks Max is there cause it smells a little familiar

He can't find Max but he finds one of Max's stuffed toys and he holds it so gently as if one wrong move could tear it apart

He heads back to his car and he drives aimlessly around, getting more and more desolate as each person he goes to says they dont know where Max is and they're trying to find him too

(Lewis avoids Seb's house because he doesn't wanna hurt Charles and if he sees Seb he might just completly snap and shatter permanently)

Lewis finally tries GP's house and by then he's just a wreck, mentally checked out and emotionally exhausted and he has glassy eyes and yeah okay so what if he's been crying for the past 5 hours and convincing himself that he's the worst parent ever and he should never be near kids again and that the rest of the pups are better off away from him

He parks the car and then checks his phone and it's 2am and his phone died hours ago but he doesn't care anymore because what's the point of anything if his pup is gone

He knocks on GP's door and it takes a minute but when GP answers and Lewis just says "Max?" and then GP looks shocked and concerned and Lewis blacks out but a second before that Lewis sees a wobbly outline of Max (because Lewis hasn't drank or eaten ever since he left his house and he's drained and he barely stopped panicking about 10 mins ago) and Lewis thinks that hey maybe i'm dead cause i saw my pup at least i got to see him before i go

Pllss Seb probably told Charls to be careful with telling Lewis but Charles knows Lewis is the only person who might love Max the same if not more as Charles does....

Lewis panicking so much and Seb tries to soothe him and keep him inside (just nnngg Lewis arriving there for lunch and seeing Charles cry and he instantly knows its about his Maxy...) but Lewis begs to go and leaves to drive around to find his pup.

Lewis with Max's blanket and then his plushie on his lap, so scared and guilty as he tries to find his baby, but no one knows where Max is....

Pls Lewis arriving qt GPs house at 2 in the morning, so tired it's a miracle he can still drive and just barely functioning in general xos where as losing a mate can hurt; losing a pup is twice as bad and Lewis just hates himself so fucking much for ever hurting his pup and he thinks he isn't worthy anymore of being Max's dad and he will let someone else adopt Max if Max wants it but he jut wants to know Max is okay...

GP being startled when he opens the door cos Lewis is swaying on his feet and seems barely coherent, managing to choke out Max's name but seeing to struggle to focus. Max hearing or feeling Lewis is there and that smthn is wrong and he comes out of the guest room, whining loudly when he sees how sickly his papa looks and shuffling closer but unsure if he can touch Lewis...

Lewis passing out then and GP manages to get him into the guest room when Max tells him that's better than the couch in the living room. Maxy being a bit awkward but building a nest around Lewis as best he can and whining whn he sees Lewis was clutching one of Max's blankets and plushies and he just snuggles up with his papa, not completely okay yet but finally getting there...

Lewis waking up with Maxy snuggled against his chest and he thinks it can't be real snd that he is dreaming, until Maxy whines softly and snuggles evn closer 😭😭

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

So this woman today she stopped to talk to me.

She was older like... Idk probably 10 to 20 years older than me... Real nice ... Like a maternal type... Kinda hippy way of speaking.

And She knew why I was in that particular place. Not because my car stalled out but exactly why not the physical issues the csr had but my spiritually physical reason to be there.

And she was like praying, i mean she even put her hands together just like a prayer... And so.. You know --flat palms together. Some people fold their fingers over but she didn't.

As she was talking and praying my car doors unlocked.

And she told me to make sure that I keep them locked...

And i thought it was weird cause my car doors unlock when my car is off and i open the doors. I did open my door to check what my muffler was doing cause it was either heat vapor in the cold or smoke...

But my car was on So all the other doors should had remained locked...

So i started pushing the lock button on my dash.. And she decided to drive off... After I noticed my battery was completely dead.

I was not happy about that and i didn't see a reason that it would occur cause ill smoke in my car and all that with the radio on and stuff.... And i never did have a problem like that...

I tried to start the car again a few times and the battery after sitting a minute came back strong as Hell.

I had a feeling the woman had busted down my car...

So if she was on my side and God's side then yes she could had made the situation worse.

It was temporary and i had no more battery issues after it returned.

So I heard about these two friends..

Well it was a memory and we will call one Bill, he said that he wanted to pretend punch me in the face and see what his friend did in return.

And i was all Dude don't punch me in the face. But whatever it sounds legit...,he wanted to show me i wouldn't be abused but protected by his friend.

And so he was saying something about how my lip is small on the top and wanted to fatten it up.

Okay so even if you're prepared and a hand comes at your face... I bit him... I could not help it...

And so in the end it did end up hurting my lip..

And so his friend was so fucking mad and so he was all "you want me to hit your girl?!?!" And all this and I was all O.O no just stop!!

Cause his girl happened to be my really good,friend and i knew her before Bill... I think... May be I amnesia met him before. But she was My friend.

And I didn't want people fighting in my house like that.

So i got mad and all thus crazy.

So his friend ended up punching him and breaking Bill's nose.

So then fast forward and...

So they were doing this work thing and they had uniforms and so Bill was all "let me help y'all with your uniforms"

Well then these two guys that Bill had assisted then got fired. One because his uniform ended up all messed up... Like the collar was starched upwards instead of being the way it should be. And the other guy, I'm not too sure .. I don't think... I actually think that someone possibly did something to him after that just like... Sprayed him with water and it got him like wet on his knees like he had been doing something inappropriate.

I think his was legit...

But then Bill's friend was all Dude you fucked my shit up on purpose and you didnt take care of my partner and yoh did it cause you're greedy and all.

But this job was like a clergy job, religious...

And so it pairs with this chick praying for me to get my deliverance.

The thing is that Bill, he is in love with my friend and my friend is having difficulty to figure that out and also she wants to continue her career and advance it further...

So the thing is that Bill needs that job. Bill needs to wait years.

But the girl that Bill's friend and his partner don't need to wait.

So I guess like Bill was praying while he helped but probably not even so much as praying but just saying the facts.

And so God was like dude I know, I'm gonna send these bitches out early so they quit playing around and they go get their business done.

And that's what happened.

Just like the chick with my car and she was all sit here as long as you need to to get your deliverance.

And so it was shitty God fucked my car yet again but it was for a reason.

And so it was shitty those two lost their jobs but at the same time God was all stop with your pride and your fears And go do what you need to

Like for love... It would symbolize "y'all are leaving here early, from this job, because you don't have to wait anymore to find love and happiness.

It hurt them besides causing a rift between Bill and his friend like they were all in pain and sore about it.

And God was all "yeah bitches, i hurt you. Go be happy now"

But Bills friend and his partner couldn't hear God.

I know Bills friend personally and I know that he hss been hurt a lot in his life snd I know that pain keeps him stagnate.

And so I know God said "you're in pain and go be with your love of your life"

I know. And I know that it was said to the other guy also.

Ysll know i do,this with NHRA sometimes who lost and why -- the messages from God that y'all,miss.

And I think that i would believed that Bill did fuck with them .... Except today happened.

Ironically!!! I went to the village to go to the bank to go to a football game that Bill's lover was gonna be at.

And so today oddly kinda revolved around Bill.

Bill is mean and heathenistic.

But my friend and Bill left after bikls9nose got broke cause my friend took him,to the hospital.

And i told his friend "Call Bill,let me tslk to him"

And he did and I said "Bill, I love you and i want uou to know you're welcome to,come back yo my house any time. I know you didn't mean to hurt my face and its okay"

It didn't hurt like that much it was shocking cause people don't usually punch me in the face and i was terrified that my friend would get punched in,the face and my friend used to,get punched in the face by her ex.

Everything had been going great and in my eyes everything was destroyed in seconds.

And Bill so much like Jesse James all turned to,mush under my powers and was all okay and even,cried.

Although his friend didnt want him to come back. I knew that they needed to make up.

His friend is like caveman barbaric... Like with civilization... All these rules you dont do to people and dont play and all that.

And I knew Bill had been acting from his heart. I mean... There's better ways to be... But Bill did a huge display that I was indeed truly safe with his friend.

And the way Bill did it... Was dramatic and at 7 G forces...

So Bill he's pretty cool.

And IF Bill purposely fucked with them... Then... It wss for a good reason.

But since there was 2 of them and Bill coukd had possibly only harmed one although neglected to protect the other -- I believe that it was just God and not Bill at all that purposely affected those two.

I mean i KNOW that lady didn't wanna drain my battery and actually prevent me,from being able to lock my car doors. It just happened.

We are all different people and not everyone is going to be the perfect friend or the perfect even enemy.

But I think that Bill uses his head and his heart quite well.

So as usual, I hope all those people involved in that job get and understand this message and I more so hope even more thsn that, even if they dont read it -- I actually prefer they didn't... But somehow just got the message like now Because it would be fastest and like that day at work they quit what they were doing

But this time -- I hope they go get the loves if their lives. Like 5 seconds ago. Why aren't they in their cars already?

Come on! Go already!

[crepuscollo]

the post before this (or the one before the before this) rlly made me think about who i am able to take my mask off with and who i cant.

i obviously thoughtlessly drifted to how it would be like to take off my mask with ash. thats when i realised he may be one of the only people if not literally the only person ive ever been fully comfortable with.

sure there’s the whole smart ass know it all thing he has going and his whole i like feeling rich thing and the twisted perspectives on some things. but away from that ive never been more myself than i was with him. ive never shared so much of myself either. i shared everything. all the dark sex fantasies, my big childhood secret, i never opened up ab my mum but thats bec of other things. i just felt like i could talk to him ab anth and say anth and it would be okay. im not saying other ppl necessarily judge me or i dont trust them or anything i just didnt feel okay telling them.

so yeah. it was really hard to get rejected (or atlst thats how i would put it) by the one person uve ever FULLY let ur guard down for. the one person who you told ur deepest darkest secret. the one person u were the most yourself with, couldnt even fucking be with you. didnt like you enough. im not even saying i liked him that much because i didnt. it was a lot more about me than him. ig its the way he makes me feel. so its him as well. but im talking about the rejection, here. it was hard to take not because i couldnt live without him, but because im really desperate for him to like me. i still am. i think about it a lot. idk why i can be myself around him and not other people. but it rlly fucking hurts that he rejected me. and not just that but after it all i could feel was him drifting and separating from me snd purposefully putting distance between us which ofc only made me think that he never rlly liked me and he finds me annoying and a pain in the ass. so thats even worse.

when i was crying and all that i wont say my feelings for him weren’t strong but they weren’t that strong. i was dealing with a lot; belal and my sister, post-hurghada stress, maya vs my sis, socially drained, physically drained, not well rested, still having to see family and friends so no break, my period lol, im on accutane. the list goes on for the amount of shit that was happening and duding hurghada the only thing i could think ab was getting back and telling him all about it and our late night calls. but no. he wasnt there. he said hed be there and he wasnt. and he doesnt try to be. and he doesnt care that he isnt. he just isnt. he just isnt here anymore. he suddenly decided that he isnt hete anymore. these arent trust issues babe, i got abandonment issues.

ch4, black, ash, sp1.

sp2 was complicated. blue was me letting my demons out on him bec i couldnt handle it.

anyway, its kind of bugging me that he thinks i was so swooned by him bec im so sure it fed his ego which is natural i guess but its not honest. i didnt really truly figure out how i felt till now. i miss him. his friendship. our calls. talking to him. about everything. i miss him a lot and ill never not miss him and i don’t necessarily like him romantically- a lot of it if not most of it is platonic- but he just doesnt enjoy my company, i guess. and thats the thing that hurts to make peace with. its almost impossible. bec i feel very strongly about him.

oh and my attachment to him was very emotional which is another reason why the parting was so intense for me. he opened more doors to me than anyone ever has. he is so special. but he made me really insecure. i feel unlovable and hopeless. like im just a talking stage, never more than that. even if they loved me or really strongly liked me- its never enough for more than just that. thats why i cant do this anymore. talk to guys and open up and this shit and then get hurt and abandoned again… i just cant do it.

ash told me please dont let me be a bad example of a guy or someone who hurt u and this whole thing … i told him yeah. sure. i let him have it. but theres no way he could have done what he did without hurting me (nvm he could be my friend lol but let me continue either way) bec nthn will change the fact eno i opened up to him and he left me still. he told me at one point en hes doing this too late but atlst he is doing it still. yeah. he got one thing right. it was most definitely too late.

its really crazy to me that the whole parting thing happened july 31 and august 1 but im coming to terms with how i felt and why i felt it and my emotions and feelings are only making sense on this not-so-random tuesday: november 1. (its technically monday, october 31st, but its almost 5am on tuesdsy soo). exactly 2 months. ha. ridiculous. i wish i could tell him tho. i wish i could tell him that i wasnt so sad bec i wanted him so badly and loved him snd wanted a rsp. he was just a good friend for me, and thats what broke my heart. and thats why hes a bad person, he did abandon me. he abandoned our friendship. thats all i wanted: a friend. he can say were “friends” and hes here or wtv but thats not the way it feels. it doesnt feel like hes here. it doesnt feel like he cares. this is why i cant forgive him. i shouldnt have to. he made promises that a frjend makes; before and after the parting; and he didnt live up to any of it. i guess a promise doesnt mean anything. trust doesnt mean anything. and affection and soft spots and caring fade away in one night and all our golden conversations and incredible talks and memories fade away as easily as a melting snowflake. nothing matters. not to him anyway. not me to him.

there are a few thoughts that got lost in there that i probably didnt chase fast enough to get them down but thats enough for now. i cant process any more unfinished business tonight. its 4:49am and im dreading studying math tomorrow, as always.

fuck. every time i think of majors and uni i think of ash. every good song or every song that manifests a colour reminds me of him. hes all i can think about. he is forever. and he doesnt deserve that. he lives in my mind, undeserving, invasive, unwanted, unrelenting, yet comfortable and gnawing away at my sanity.

i hate him

i hate him so so much

god,

i hate him.

i cant say it enough

i cant fucking say it enough because i cant lose hope in the fact that if i say it enough, itll come true.

why cant he be easy to hate? like black.

fuck.

FUCK.

he doesnt deserve my feelings and emotions. why did he have to open that door?

it was so hard to shut. and i never wanted to shut it in the first place. he shouldve handled it with more delicacy. more care. but no, lol, abandoned. again. i could make a poem of all the “agains”.

i need to sleep

i need my mind to rest

omg onw more rhing the best door he opened is my ability to write again like when i reread the jo ss a few weeks ago it made me realize how i was bstter at communicating advice snd comfort and those sorts of things and connectingwith things and he helped me see that i aint what i used to be snd i dont have as many feelings or thoights or deepnesd or intensity as i used to be because i pushed it all away, deep down. but its back, as u can see. i cant stop writing. i cant stop feeling. i cant stop thinking about him.

i cant stop looking for his face in crowds.

god i wish i could … idk… do i regret him? he made me feel intense and good emotions and everyth and helped me reslize a lot of things and i cant deny en he was a beyond good part of my summer but now when i look back at hurghada im like did these pics and vids drive him away and all i canthink is oh yeah she had no idea whatll happen in teo days and yeah it went from 0 to 100 so quick so idk if i regret it or not idk if it was worth it

also horny is easy to feel bec it feels good yet intense snd secretive its not like happiness but its still a good feeling which is odd excitement is supposed to be good bit its stressfull as well and it gnaws at u. horny is good and essy snd quick and even if u get it wrong so what nthn is affected. it cant go badly (even excitement can be stress) so yeah. horny is essy snd not complicated and thats why i like feeling a lot of it it doesnt let me feel empty and it elevates my mood at the same time.

[azarathedragon]

Mild spoilers. Nothing is really stated, but its enough to clue in to stuff that happens in the main story.

Nothing has emotionally destroyed me more this year then Red Dead Redemption 2. And for me, thats saying something, because i uh....dont usually cry during a video game. I cant actually bring to mind another game that had me that upset over a character. Books, yea. Tv shows, yea. But a video game. Make me sad, sure, but actually cry, nope.

And i loved the game to bits, enough so that it actually got my ass in gear to play and attempt to finish the first game. My only gripe would have been some of the choices made with horses.

First being that the best horses are locked behind the epilogue, where theres maybe a dozen hours worth of content. Maybe more if you didnt do some stuff as Arthur. It doesnt make sense that the character you spend the most time with, only has access to lower tier horses, barring the black arabian and gold turk (which i find ugly as shit by the why. Sadie's turk was a far prettier color.)

The unique horses like the black shire or Buell. If you sell either, or it gets killed, they are gone for good. There is no getting that specific coat color back. And that is dumb as shit my friends. As a side note, we shoulda been able to get Buell earlier on. You basically get that stubborn bastard when theres only a few hours of gameplay left (story wise anyway. If you spend fifteen hours just dicking around, all the more power to ya. Lord knows i did because the game ending was spoiled for me within the first week of its release. Thanks youtube. Thanks.)

Second. All horses should have been able to be found wild or stable bought. Just decrease spawn chance for the real nice ones like the Arabians and Turks. Horse herds were depressing to look at after a while, when you realize the three fastest wild breeds only have two wild coat colors. Nokota, Thoroughbred, snd the Anerican Standards. Two colors. And you find herds with 4 to 6 of one of the afformentioned breeds in it. Two colors. Its just...sad to look at. And its not like Rockstar was short on coat colors snd patterns. Also. Fuck them for patching the St. Denis spawn glitch. I found an alternative as john and got that pretty rose grey arabian. For free. And i think i found an alternative as arthur. But my lips are sealed, because frankly, its bullshit i cant steal a real nice horse. Were outlaws, lemme steal the nice horses you bastards.

Coats and their patterns. The only ALL black horse is a American Standardbred. They are an average horse. Ok speed, and ok health and stamina. And i will say it again. Rockstar was not short on coat colors and patterns. There are so many colors for the Kentucky Saddlers, Tennessee Walkers, and Morgans. So fuckin many. A lot of these could have been copied or split into other breeds. Or pull the Nintendo BotW method where there is a dozen base colors, that then have additional patterns thrown over top. Because i really want an all black horse that has good stats. (And unless im crazy, im pretty sure the initial launch of the game there were no all black horses? The standardbred used to have like...a snip on its face. Mandela effect probably. There are a handful of black horses they all start to blur together after a while)

The horse types like War and Work should have meant more than more health over stamina or vice versa. War horses shouldnt balk at gunfire, its what it was bred and raised for. Work horses shouldnt have felt the stamina drain from carrying pelts, it was born and raised to do intensive work. Wild horses should have handled threatening wildlife (snakes, cougars, bears, alligators) better than stable horses. Stable horses spook easier at said creatures, but handle towns and nearby trains better. Yes, you read that right, trains. Horses dont like loud things, and trains to them, are downright terrifying. It takes years of consistent exposure for a horse to calm down around such things. (My family had horses, and we lived near John Trovolta. The dude has a private jet. Taking off in practically our back yard. The horses freaked about it at first, but after a while began to realize the giant screaming metal demon bird isn't here to harm them. They still dont like it, but they dont freak out as easily to it either.)

Im still not sure as to what Handling meant. Does it turn faster? Different animations? Game devs love putting shit in, and then not tell us what it means. Like that "wild horses will keep some wild tendencies." That means nothing to me. Absolutely nothing. Tendencies could be anything, literally anything. Maybe this horse really, really likes chewing on its butt. Maybe it has a biting problem. The word means nothing if we arent given context on what it means.

Volume slider for the horses please. My god. Both of my parents are hard of hearing, and while my dad has no interest in the game other than "oh what gun is that? A wincester?". My mom did on the other hand. So she turns the volume up a little to hear characters better, but then we have to turn it back down, because the horses are overly loud at times. (And yes captions are on, but we still like hearing the voice behind those words. Pretty sure the tv speakers are going anyway, but there are other audio issues with the game at times that are unrelated to a shit tv). Audio option are important. And we are stuck with only three sliders. Master, score, and dialogue. You dont want to listen to a horse grunting, overpowering whatver it was that character said? Too bad. You dont get to decide that. Really hope the pc release adds a few more sliders to make it bearable.

[jakesbf]

Like i dotn jnow what to dooo i keep getting worse and worse every day, the sadness isnt going away it just keeps on growing and getting worse daily, im so lazy and unmotivated every day, ive been getting rly mad snd irritated at everything, ive been lashing out on myself on my arms until theyre ugly and i cant trll anyone . If i tell my only irl shes just gonna brush it off prob say like dont do stuff like that and otehr things but she wont take me seriously because thats how she views me. My parents never take anything i say seriously when it comes to me being sad or anything relating to it they just tell me to stop and itll pass over time ITS NOT GOING AWAY THIS TIME !!! Why do you think i keep lashing out on things that have been triggering me more and more lately?? Why do u think im extremely sensitive eith my food and weigh why do you think i barged back into my room crying after i went on the scale again becayse you kept yelling at me to look at the numbers on that stupid FUCKING machine???! cant you see how much it hurts me??? i dont want to talk to any of you anymore you both keep ruining my self esteem more and more or maybe i AM being sensitive and dramatic like you always fucking say i am. Why cant you just take me SERIOUSLY when im UPSET stop treating it as a joke or as me as a joke !!!!!!!! What will make you realize ?? When i kill myself and im gone? You know how easily i can do it, right? Dads stuff is just RIGHT there i seriously can just fucking do it, will that make you realize that im not being lazy and that i actually wad depressed? What do i have to do to get it through to you both !!!! And why cant i just feel happy and normal again im so tired everyday i feel so drained doing anytjing and everything now ijust want to die so fuckfing badly i want it all to stop im not strong enough for any of this let alone the real world youre not even encouraging or helping me get through it i feel soctired man i dont want to deal with anyhting anymore i just hate myself so fuckjng much i just feel like im going to reach my boiling point again soon but i dont knwo what ill do this time.

[upuptowonderland]

Open letter of pure emotion and feelings that are trapped, and i cant express when in a negative mind frame.

I have never in my life lied about anything that is truly traumatic. Yeah, duh, I've lied before, I'm only human. I wouldny lie about things that are serious horrible events.

But, I recently have run into a non concent issue, and fealt violated. No details needed, but i will speak about my feelings towards this situation bc my feelings are fucking valid, and I haven't felt this bad for a while.

Dear whoever i even have left in my life anymore.

I have lost someone who I absolutely love very much. That I was starting to build a life with. But...they left me for believing that; I "cheated" on them, and intentionally tore them apart fully out of spite and "revenge". WHICH IS ABSOLUTELY NOT THE TRUTH.

To sum up the most difficult and fucked up disagreement we had;

I owned up to my wrongs. Yes, I wasn't the grestest person for communicating and going out of my way to hang out with a guy you werent quite comfortable with. But, he truly was only a friend of mine. A persom who has a big part in my life, and kind of lingers in my life forever.if i like it or not.

I sat there...looking you in your beautiful eyes, and agreed to your statement only to an extent, not cheating but not being the best me.i. couldve. I watched your heart crack, and that's when the flames were thrown. And you were jusy...so so torm and full of rage that i could barley get a sentence in. And due to my panic attack i could barley breath and speak.

I was trying to just tell you that i was forced into doing a sexual act AFTER I DID NOT GIVE CONCENT. But all i was thinking, and could say is im sorry. The thingd you said made me ALMOST believe that being a victim, in a non concent SEXUAL act was cheating. IT'S NOT. kept saying harsh ztuff.it just made my mind questuon mydelf on "was being assulted chesting? Im a piece of zhit. Im the reason vor it. I guess.i shoupdbe been a better person amd not have been ghere, it wouldnt have happened". You made me.feel a hesvy amount of.guily that i didnt deserve to feel.

You didn't know how it reslly happened, the only thing you were set on knowing, is that i "cheated" on you.

I didn't mention the assault until 2 weeks after it happened. My reasoning? I was terrified. But unsure of how to handle the situation. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, and convinced myself he didnt meam to do what he did to me, bc he was under ghe influence. I faked a smile every dsy after that. You onow? It's very difficult to get away from someone that is a friend of your number 1 HOMIES. So hes over every day, and i acted like things were.okay, didnt tell anyone. Reasonsings for not telling snyone also, i truly believed that i would get hurt. And that me telling everyone, would just create moxed emotions amd i beliebed id get acused as a liar, not tsken seriously, and my friendship pushed aside for a scumbag.

I FINALLY TOLD YOU THO! I FINALLY.TOLD YOU THAT I DIDNT CONCNET. I TOLD YOU WHAT HAPPENED. NO! I didnt tell you this to in anyway try and make you comenback into my life. I TOLD YOU because i thought you'd love me.enough to understand the pretty traumatic incident i went through. But no....i was wrong....you say im a whore...and.that its something that I "LEAD" on. Yelled st me for not doing something about it. While feelomg so helpless amd disgusting amd frightened?

Then started to give a notice of like...wow, it happened so horribly and i ghess.i was.being extra without knowing every detail. THAT'S NOTNIT THO! YOU then proceeded to tell me you cant beliebe me not that in lying, but couldnt trust my story fully becsuse im an aparent "manipulato" , and still told me that if were mesnt to be, well see eachother agaim when its time.

Every ounce of my happiness drained from my body. When you had the roommate, kick me out, and have the WHOLE house againdt me. When they truly have no clue what happened to me. But as always, like a woman, i got up and fucking left. Lol, THE AFTERMATH? OF ACCUSING ME OF SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER DO TO THE ONE I LOVE. you ready gor it? I'm homeless again, in the winter. Lets see, i lost ghe fu king man im in love with over something that wasnt my fault. And looked at as a liar and false acuser. Lost the people that i jave grown to adore, and relate to amd feel 100% confident. Becsuse you made me out to be s Cheater. And a liar they coupdnt trust. Lost my happieness i worked.zo hard go recive. My home. And my heart.

I personslly dont think i deserve the harsh consequences and treatment im reciving from the ones i thought cared for me.

Yea, i spoke about it kind of late after, but i would never acuse someone of such a harsh crime, if they didnt reslly do it.

BUT this truly....opened my eyes to...wow, dont get comfortable with people easily, because no matter how.close you are, people are able to change like its nothing.

I'm finally recovering from my sadness. And depression and fright of my.assult. I'm PROUD of myself right now...I got a new job, I have been sober now for more than a week. I see my dsughter so much snd my life is made. I'm still living, and if the people ive grown go love and care for truly decide they're no longer a person in mg life, jtll hurt. And ill be hurt gor s while. But i will have to remind myself that....was it truly a friendship if i get abandon for zomething i had no control over.

My head is fu ked up. I truly didnt want to lose Zachary. And I do want to hope to myself that sometime for him to cool down, and then we'll be eschothers again. I have no friends anymore...ni home.

BUT I'M NOT GIVING UP. whatever happens eith us, will happen how it needs too. I love you eo much...but you never give.up on someone you love...and thisnis your 2md time giving up pn me.

I'll continue to strive for me, kick ass, become the best person i can. And grow to learn to never let someone else destroy you.

[nicholasbaudelaire]

What was the hardest part about medical school?

All the hook ups on shift with other residents. All the attention you get when people ask you about your studies, and your job! Uhm looking forward to earning so much money. It's a terrible burden!

Honestly its tough. You dont have time for much besides work and studying, so you miss out on family get togethers and seeing friends. You have to lie at family reunions and pretend you're not fucking exhausted snd mentally drained all the time. I can go two days without stepping foot ouside the hospital because I'm sleeping there, working there, esting there. You're so wrapped up in living and breathing this shit that it's easy to alienate yourself. I was so tired the other day I just fell asleep mid sandwich! I almost dropped that sandwich on the floor, and it was a good sandwich!

[thedappleddragon]

I woke up really cozy this morning because I piled up a bunch of clean blankets and had a fluffy pillow snd it was very nice :) tbh I dont remember a lot of the specifics of what I did today? but I know I spent a while scrubbing the bottom of a pot that my dad burned soup in. I did the dishes but I couldn't find the dish washer soap so I just didnt start it, and the sink wouldn't drain and was full of gross water. my dad fixed it when he got home. I started water for spaghetti but we ordered Chinese food instead, but I had already been eating chili so most of what I ordered turned into leftovers for tomorrow. I watched part of a drawee stream re-upload while trying to see if I could move my desk into the corner single handedly, but I dont think I can. If I try scooching it into place and letting it drag on the floor, im afraid that it will mess up the corner piece that hold the desk up, so I'll need to take everything off of it and lift and move it into the corner. im exited to have my own workspace again soon. one thing im worried about is what the fuck im going to do with all the clutter that’s been temporarily moved into the hallway when its time to move it all back in. eh whatever I dont want to worry about that right now, it’s 5:15 am. im up so late because I decided to look up what Bugsnax is today and I spent a long ass time drawing an oc, and I just finished a concept design for a mostly snackified form and I think it looks really cool :) I also played a good bit of Stardew valley today. 

edit: I literally stayed up all night drawing my bugsnax oc oops